If you have noticed, I haven’t posted a lot of content lately. Yes, there were my exams and lots of stress related to that. But the main reason was that I was feeling kinda depressed. Nothing felt good anymore. Life felt dull and repetitive. And I stopped noticing all the little things around.
I wake up every day feeling blank. And do my daily routines mundanely. Then after a while, I stopped going through my daily routine cause it wasn’t fulfilling my soul. I will just go through my phone right after I wake up. Just watching reels and reading fights in the comment section of controversial posts. And then I feel guilty for doing it but I do it anyway the very next day. This cycle just kept repeating.
I did stay away from social media for a week or two in order to focus on the exam. No, I didn’t delete my accounts but I just deleted the apps on my phone. The first few days it was kinda hard cause I couldn’t just open Instagram and take a break (which usually leads to hours and hours of scrolling). These days I logged into my account in a browser at least once a day. But it wasn’t as easy to navigate as the app. So, I don’t stay that long.
But after a few days, I kinda forgot about it. And what I noticed is that I was focusing on my thoughts. It was alarming to observe my emotions and thought processes. But it felt good. I felt I was in control of my life. There was no FOMO like I felt in the first few days. I was focusing on my life finally, rather than watching what other people were doing. And going to college for exams felt different, because I was so much in tune with myself, unlike the first time I went to college this February. This time I am more present in my actions even though I am dealing with an identity crisis.
But then exams were over and I don’t know why but I did reinstall all my social media apps. It just came naturally that I should install them. But even if I installed them I didn’t use them as much. I kinda felt resistant to spend time on them but I don’t know why but I unconsciously forced myself to spend time scrolling and scrolling mindlessly. And just like that, I was back into my loop. And my depression returned just as it faded.
When you are reading this you might think that I am saying ‘social media is bad for you or it causes depression’ etc etc. No I am not. Just hear me out.
I am an ‘all or nothing ‘ kinda person. So either I am completely in something or away from something. That’s how I operate. I get easily attached to things and people and just as easily I withdraw from them. It was the same with social media, when I am in I am all in. And I have been in for a long time that I have forgotten. And even though social media is not the only reason for me being depressed it definitely is a contributor.
So I am choosing to free myself from self-sabotaging. And I am taking a break from social media again. By social media, I mainly mean Instagram, but also Twitter and maybe Reddit too (good thing TikTok is banned here). But I love Pinterest cause my feed is really helping me with my self-growth and discovery. Especially my board rebuilding my soul that I created especially to deal with my identity crisis and to find myself. It’s been 2 to 3 days already, and I feel a lot better.
Please don’t misinterpret the purpose of this post to me saying you should quit social media. It has a lot of benefits and a great platform to express yourself. But if i am not sure about my identity and values then what am I sharing.
This post is for anyone who feels like shit and wants to take time to focus on self-development and wellbeing. I really think taking a break from the ocean of other people’s lives must be great to finally focus on your life. So if anyone reading is here with me on this journey please let me know in the comments so we can support each other. I will update on my progress here on another post.
To the moon and back, nidha