I don’t know how long I will be here or when I come back. But all I know now is that I don’t know.
I don’t know where to start a life update as I have never shared my life anywhere. All of me that people see are through some filter that I have created. I am good at making people see what I want them to see. And sometimes I lose track of the filters, and I cover my million personalities from myself. It’s been going for a long time. And especially the fact that my belief systems have changed drastically have also contributed to the hide and seek game I play with myself.
I miss the stars in the sky. It’s been cloudy, but it never rains, but makes it hotter to survive. And when there are stars, I am so lost in a void in myself that I can’t pull myself to watch them, even though I know they will make me feel better. Wait! I am writing… This is the longest I have written in a long time. It’s like words have escaped me. Art has escaped me. Beauty has escaped me.
Sometimes it’s too hard, but other times it’s fine. Then I kinda feel bad for crushing myself and then I crush myself even more thinking about it. I want my golden eyes back. That used to make everything around me beautiful. Maybe I have gotten so lost in my darkness that I forgot what light looked like. But I can imagine the glowing ray of beauty and I am hoping to get to it. So I can see beauty again, see the beauty in the messier of things. I hope.. cause hoping is the best I can do……