Hello lost lover, no… hello to the toxic ex-lover I got rid of. There has never been a more toxic relationship like you and I had. Me giving my everything and you eating me up alive. You were a great manipulator, guilt-tripping me into doing things your way. Scaring me into loving you. You manipulated not just me but a whole lot of people giving them hope after hope. Giving them a fantasy land of an ancient man’s desires. But they believe in you not because they want to get in that fantasy land, but instead, they want to escape your wrath. They just want to not burn in hell.
Creating chaos in this world, shedding blood, ruining lives, you have been very busy. You have been destroying a lot of beauty and peace, with your so-called ‘morality. I remember the little me praying five times every day because I didn’t want to burn in hell. Even my parents were under your spell. They forgot themselves, when they sold their soul to you, so you will save them from the hell you created. Doesn’t sound too ‘merciful’ to me, you narcissist.
I was the model child, the child who prayed, the child who famished herself for a whole month, the child who covered up from head to toe (you shouldn’t attract men). The child who was the role model for kids around me, because I was ‘religious’. I remember my mom taking me to religious preachings where they would showcase videos of people dying, and people burning in hell. And it was very traumatizing for that little child, who lost a lot of sleep.
Fear was your tactic, you feared us all for loving you. Can you understand how pathetic that sounds? I remember the time people around me started falling deep into your manipulations. The time when our tv was thrown out, music started fading off, the clothes started getting long, the skin was considered a shame, long long speeches and preachings filled our ears, verses of a very badly written book were recited, preached, and memorized. Our lives were supposed to mimic the life of a warlord and a sex maniac who lived in medieval times. That man who created you.
Slowly the line between ‘them’ and us became more and more distinct. Like you emphasized a lot of times in your ‘diary’/ ‘holy book, people who didn’t fall into your trap were considered bad and vicious. I started judging everyone based on your ‘rules’. But I attracted a lot of maniacs obsessed with you and missed out on a lot of beautiful souls.
You even discredited my whole gender, you called us stupid. You emphasized patriarchy, giving men the power to control us. You covered up from head to toe, while men walked naked. You made us seem like covering was empowering, even though it was basic victim-blaming. You made me hide underneath veils. I feel sorry for people who still defend your nonsensical rules and try to update an ancient book to fit into modern times. I too was once one of them.
I remember how I once started to fall in love, and I wrote to a religious influencer to offer me some advice from ‘sinning’. You robbed love from me. You robbed my youth. You robbed me from me. I will never ever forgive you for that. And because of you, I am scared of falling in love. I feel guilty all the time until I got rid of you
I remember the time when I started to slowly recognize your truth, I was still finding some way to defend you. But after a while, I couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t protect you from criticism. I couldn’t blind myself to the inhumanity, misogyny, and intolerance you preached. So I slowly took off your chains from my heart, and let myself out. My parents were not happy at first, they were still into you. But slowly they started listening to me and understood your manipulations. They are still in your shackles but not blinded anymore. They too have taken off a lot of chains. Now I see how empathetic, understanding, and loving my parents actually are. I hate you for bringing out their worst. I hate you.
Now that I am free from you I am born again. I am finding myself, building myself. I am forgetting your idiotic rules. I am taking off the shroud you buried me in and let my hair and my soul dance in the wind. I am un-learning. I am liberated. But just so you know I will never forgive you for all you have taken from me. I will forever hate you for doing what you did to me, even now, to a lot of souls around me especially children. I will never forgive you…. You are a thief, a criminal.